Money isn’t just currency; it’s culture, identity, and power. In relationships, it can represent stability, freedom, success, or control. Couples rarely see money in exactly the same way, and when those views collide, the fallout can shape the relationship for years. In my work as a divorce attorney, I see time and again how financial stability, money management, and perceptions of success become the central issues in both marriage and divorce.
Why Talking About Money Early Matters
Most people enter relationships talking about chemistry, values, and long-term dreams, but not about credit scores, debt, or financial goals. Those conversations often feel “unromantic,” so they get pushed aside. The problem is that avoiding the money talk doesn’t make the issues disappear. It only delays them until they erupt into conflict.
Couples who discuss money early, before merging accounts, buying a home, or having kids, have a stronger foundation. They’ve clarified expectations about who pays for what, how savings are prioritized, and what “financial success” means in their household. Without those conversations, resentment builds silently: one partner feels pressured to carry the financial load, while the other feels judged for not “contributing enough.”
Financial Imbalances: The Quiet Stressor
Money imbalances aren’t just about paychecks. They’re about power. When one partner earns significantly more, it can create a subtle hierarchy in the relationship. The higher earner may feel entitled to make more decisions, while the lower earner may feel dependent, undervalued, or even infantilized. Over time, those unspoken dynamics corrode respect and intimacy.
I’ve seen cases where a stay-at-home parent felt invisible because their non-financial contributions weren’t acknowledged, and cases where the high-earner resented carrying every bill. Add to that different money personalities (ex. one is a saver, one is a spender) and conflicts multiply. These arguments may start with small things (“Why did you buy that?”), but they often escalate into deep, identity-level fights about fairness and respect.
Success and Identity
Money is closely tied to how we measure success. For many, career achievements become part of their identity and a way of defining self-worth. In marriage, this can create an imbalance if one person thrives professionally while the other sacrifices for childcare, homemaking, or supporting their spouse’s career.
In divorce, those sacrifices come under a microscope. Judges are often asked to weigh who “built the lifestyle” or whether the non-working spouse should share equally in the wealth created during the marriage. These questions are never just about money. They’re about value: whose contributions count, and in what way? The battle over success, recognition, and identity often overshadows the actual dollars being divided.
Why Money Becomes the Battlefield in Divorce
When couples don’t address financial differences during the relationship, those issues explode in divorce. Money disputes become stand-ins for deeper emotional wounds: anger about betrayal, resentment about sacrifice, frustration about inequality. Property division, spousal maintenance, and child support aren’t just numbers on a page, but they’re symbols of fairness, acknowledgment, and future security.
I often tell clients: the math is rarely the problem. The emotions tied to the math are. Two people can look at the same financial disclosure and see very different stories. One sees a record of sacrifice and stability. The other sees proof of control or resentment. Sometimes that’s why financial disputes drag on, because they’re not really about the money itself, but about what it represents.
The Takeaway
Money is never just financial. It’s emotional, symbolic, and deeply tied to how people view themselves and their partners. The couples who survive financial strain are the ones who talk about it openly, set clear expectations, and respect each other’s definitions of success.
And for those headed for divorce? Know that money will almost certainly be the battlefield where every other conflict plays out. The earlier you confront the financial dynamics in your relationship, the better chance you have of avoiding costly, drawn-out wars later.
Talk about money early. Recognize that imbalances create power struggles.
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The Divorce Artist™️ 