Survivors of abuse usually focus on what happened. Their stories are centered around actions and events. “He hit me.” “They threatened to kill me.” “She took my phone, my money, my keys.” These are straightforward statements of fact. They reflect the survivor’s attempt to describe their experience, often after a long period of being silenced.

Abusers, on the other hand, rarely speak in terms of what they did. Instead, they focus on why they did it. And that “why” almost always centers on the survivor’s character. “He’s manipulative.” “She’s a terrible mother.” “They are crazy.” These aren’t descriptions of actions. They are attacks on identity, and they serve one purpose: to justify the abuse and discredit the victim.

This dynamic isn’t random. It’s part of a well-documented pattern that psychologists and legal professionals recognize as a form of narrative control. One especially relevant concept here is DARVO —Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender — a term coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. DARVO describes how perpetrators of abuse often deny what they did, attack the credibility of the victim, and then claim they are the ones being victimized.