🚩 Six Red Flags That Scream “Run!”

If you see these signs, it’s not love, it’s a warning:

1. They don’t see their kid.

Excuses on repeat: “My ex poisoned them against me.” “The court screwed me.”

Nope. The truth is simpler: active parents fight for time with their kids. They file motions, they show up to hearings, they keep trying. It’s rarely easy, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking, but the difference is effort. A parent who wants a relationship with their child doesn’t just throw up their hands, walk away, and then blame the other side.

When someone has given up on their own child, that’s not just a sad story about their past: it’s a preview of their future. If they couldn’t stay in the fight for their first family, don’t expect them to magically transform into a committed parent with the next. New relationships don’t erase old patterns; they expose them.

So if all you hear are excuses and blame, pay attention. They’re showing you who they are. And if they’ve already abandoned one child, you have to ask yourself: what makes you think the outcome will be different with yours?

They brag about how they “outsmarted” their ex by moving money around? Translation: they lie, cheat, and value cash over people. And let’s be clear: if they did it once, they’ll do it again. This time, it won’t be their ex paying the price. It will be you.

I’ve heard every version of this story. The spouse who quietly stashed assets in a sibling’s name. The one who drained the joint accounts the day before serving divorce papers. The “savvy investor” who conveniently wired money overseas to keep it out of reach. They’ll spin it as clever, strategic, even heroic, as though betraying a partner is proof of their genius.

Here’s the truth: that’s not savvy. It’s dishonest. And dishonesty is a pattern, not a one-off. If someone justifies deceit by saying their ex was “money-grubbing” or “crazy,” remember they’re really just excusing their own behavior. It wasn’t about the ex. It was about their willingness to cross the line whenever it serves them.

People who prioritize money over honesty will always find a reason to do it again. They’ll tell you it’s different this time. They’ll say you’re not like their ex. But when someone shows you that cash means more to them than integrity, believe them. They’re giving you the clearest warning you’ll ever get.

3. You were the side piece.

If it started with cheating, don’t be surprised when it ends with cheating. 🚩 Affairs feel like fate in the moment: electric, secret, intoxicating. But in reality? They’re usually just foreshadowing.

If your relationship began while they were betraying someone else, what makes you think you’re immune from the same treatment? The truth is, the way a person exits one relationship often tells you everything about how they’ll handle conflict, temptation, and commitment in the next.

Clients tell me this all the time, usually with a heavy dose of regret. “I should have known.” One person, let’s call her Sasha, confided: “The late nights, the canceled trips, the unexplained expenses… it was exactly how they cheated with me. And then they repeated the pattern, but it was with the next woman.” What once felt like proof of passion turned out to be a blueprint for betrayal.

That’s the thing about cheating: excitement is not the same as stability, and secrecy is not the same as intimacy. The rush of an affair feels like destiny in the moment. But looking back, most people realize it wasn’t fate, but it was a preview of their partner’s inability to stay loyal when things got hard. And if the foundation was built on betrayal, don’t be shocked when the house eventually collapses the same way.

4. They’ve “never worked.”

Designer clothes, luxury bags, flashy jewelry, but no history of paying their own way. 🚩 If someone has never pursued steady work or built a career, chances are they’re not looking for a partner. They’re looking for a sponsor.

I see this play out often in divorce. At the beginning, the relationship feels glamorous. They’re always dressed to the nines, always ready for the next trip, dinner, or splurge. And because love can make us generous, it’s easy to dismiss the imbalance: “They just haven’t found the right job yet.” “They’re taking time to figure things out.”

But years later, when the shine wears off, the pattern remains. One client, Pete, told me: “When I met my spouse, they always said they wanted to work, but they never even looked for a job.” Instead, the bills piled up on his side, while the shopping bags kept arriving on theirs.

Here’s the hard truth: if financial independence has never been part of their plan, don’t expect it to suddenly appear once you’re in the picture. People show you who they are by what they do, not what they promise.

A real partner contributes, not necessarily equally, but actively. They either build a career, take care of a home, or share responsibility in some meaningful way. Someone who avoids responsibility while indulging in luxuries is telling you exactly how they view relationships: not as a partnership, but as a transaction.

So before you sign up for a lifetime of “sponsorship,” ask yourself: are you building a future together, or just financing someone else’s lifestyle? Because in divorce court, that distinction becomes very, very clear.

5. Their family calls the shots.

At first, a tight-knit family can look like a dream. Holiday dinners together, Sunday calls with mom, siblings who are always around. It might feel warm, supportive, even charming. But there’s a big difference between a family that’s close and a family that’s controlling.

The test is simple: can your partner make decisions on their own, or do they have to run everything by their parents or siblings? If every choice — from where to live, to how to spend money, to how to raise kids — has to be approved by a parent, you’re not in a two-person relationship. You’re in a committee.

One client, Tom, learned this the hard way. At first, he admired how devoted his spouse was to their mother. But as time went on, that devotion turned into interference. Every disagreement had a third voice chiming in. Every plan was subject to outside veto. What looked like family closeness at the start became constant conflict because no boundary was ever enforced.

And here’s the kicker: these dynamics don’t magically improve once children arrive. In fact, they often intensify. Parenting decisions become battlegrounds, with in-laws inserting themselves into everything from feeding schedules to discipline. Vacations, schools, even medical choices suddenly require approval from people who aren’t in the marriage.

Healthy family bonds are built on respect and boundaries. Unhealthy ones blur lines until there’s no room for your partnership to stand on its own. If your partner can’t set limits with their family now, don’t assume they’ll suddenly find the backbone later. More often than not, the opposite is true, the control only grows, and you’ll find yourself fighting not just your spouse, but their entire family system.

The bottom line? Pay attention early. Love can blind you to red flags that later feel obvious. If you feel like you’re dating an entire family instead of one person, that’s not closeness. That’s a warning.

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6. They get physical.

Physical violence is never acceptable. Shoving, slapping, hitting: these aren’t heated arguments, they are abuse. Don’t rationalize it, and don’t wait for it to get worse.

The bottom line? Violence is not passion, it’s not love, and it’s not normal. If it happens once, that’s already enough. Believe what you see and leave before it escalates.

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Bottom line: Red flags don’t go away with time, they get brighter. Listen to your gut, set your boundaries, and don’t ignore what you already know.

Are there other red flags you have experienced? Share in the comments because education is power.